By Richard Stim
We've dug deep into the bowels of the patent office for five butt-shaking patents, all focused on the human rear-end.
#1. Patent No. 6473908: "Garment having a buttocks cleavage revealing feature," What's buttocks cleavage? It's when a little bit of the buttocks (and cleft between them) is exposed. Some people find this type of exposure unappealing--in the U.S. it's disparagingly referred to as 'plumber's crack,' in Britain it's 'builder's bum,' and in Brazil, call it cofrinho. Even with this negative rap, apparently there are those among us who like to expose their gluteal cleft. For those folks, inventor Thomas A. Bontems created a method for affixing a strategically placed see-through material allowing for ideal butt cleavage exposure. One nice feature is that the see-through portion of the invention is not limited to a basic heart-shaped peek-a-boo cut-out; the wearer can also expose themselves through flower shaped, butterfly shaped, and football-helmet shaped windows of opportunity. (We're not sure if the football helmet is for fans or players occupying Center position). There's even a "logo" view that presumably allows for unlimited corporate licensing opportunities--for example, you can expose yourself within the Apple logo or Chevrolet "bowtie." Since inventors solve problems, one may wonder what problem Bontems' invention solves? According to the inventor, many people like to expose portions of their anatomy but they're not comfortable wearing tight fitting or low cut jeans. This invention "incorporates a revealing feature that does not detract from or govern the overall structure of the garment." In other words Bontems has leveled the playing field and liberated butt cleavage from the thin, the sexy and the good-looking. Free at last!!
- If You Liked This Invention You Might Also Like: Patent No. 5970516, "Article of clothing for making a patterned sunburn." This invention allows the user to swap out an interchangeable see-through portion of a bathing suit to create tanning tattoos.
- If You Liked This Invention You Might Also Like: Patent No. 4,028,740, "Convertible beach attire." Speaking of hiding your butt, perhaps you'd like a nice "pair of modesty panels" to cover your skimpy swimwear while walking from your car to the beach. These panels comes with a complex-looking belt and loop combo that makes you wonder why the wearer doesn't just drape a towel around the over-exposed area.
- If You Liked This Invention You Might Also Like: Patent No. 5913405, "Ladybug (child protector)." Apparently influenced by Kafka's "Metamorphosis," inventor Francisco Bordier has designed a polyurethane bug-styled protective covering for use by children learning to walk.
- If You Liked This Invention You Might Also Like: Patent No. 5842232, "Pad inserts for enhancing the shape of a wearer's buttocks." As we've concluded few problems are as devastating as having "flat or scant buttocks." Sure there are numerous butt enhancement devices, but we like inventor Janice Ward Parrish's unique dual-pad approach.
- If You Liked This Invention You Might Also Like: Patent No. 2006/0094518 A1, "Manually Self Operated Butt Kicking Machine." If the previous invention seemed so 2001, then check out J. Leavitt's 2006 patented attempt at self-humiliation--a Rube Goldberg styled seat with a hole, through which a shoe strikes the user's posterior.
Portions of this article are excerpted from the Nolo book, The Judge Who Hated Red Nail Polish